Back in my salad days, once I had been familiar with a super applicator and knew the specific minute to “fall” my “Napro”, I entertained more than a few people by showing that I was always happy to receive my period.
It likely amused them since my periods have been, putting it mildly, an unrelenting hellride: big cramps, enormous flow, overall existential woe and gnashing of teeth.
But the coming of my monthly interval was always a welcome sign that, however disagreeable those few days have been, “things” were still in working order.
That was before a milder brand of polycystic ovaries left me by almost psychedelic midcycle pain, and for the past few years, the contraceptive pill I take to handle each of the aforementioned has left my period close to nonexistent (although I eventually understand the why “panty liners” exist).
Several months back I eventually resigned myself to the fact it was likely not coming back any time soon, and got rid of this little sprinkling of pads and tampons I had been carrying from house to house “in the event”.
I really don’t wish to go too much here, but I almost… miss my period.
So when I see this week that some vegan attractiveness bloggers are suggesting not only that girls will “control” their periods through raw vegan diets, but that spans are themselves “toxic”, I roared with laughter.
What century are we living in?
If I have any difficulty deciphering the date, maybe it’s not due solely to this idiocy of specific “health” tips, but also the simple fact that over the last year I’ve written a brief play about Elizabethan herbalism plus a TV script put in the 14th century. I am currently well-versed in a variety of bloodcurdling wellness and health tips involving dead dogs, burning leather and the position of the skies.
And with every vaccination-skeptical, fluoride-averse bit of “information” from bloggers and celebrities, I start to wonder when trepanning will make a comeback.
At the rate they’re going I half expect to hear Miranda Kerr’s second-cousin advocating “hot water and a lot of rags” to get a serene and efficient birthing experience following.
Consequently, I’ve invented a fun little game: 21st Century Wellness Tip Or Pre-Germ-Theory Medical Advice?
(I am still focusing on a kicky title.) Test your knowledge now!
1. “A non-menstruating body suggests the body is clean.”
2. “Thyme will heal sciatica and pains in the mind.”
3. “Stinking Arrach is traditionally employed as a remedy to girls, by smelling to it; but inwardly taken there’s not any better remedy under the Moon […] It calms the uterus being spanked, and let me tell you this, and I will tell you the facts, heat of the uterus is one of the greatest causes of difficult labor in childbirth.”
4. “Maybe periods were rightly named a ‘curse’ — a curse on us for falling short of residing how we’re supposed to live emotionally and physically.”
5. “Jade eggs can help cultivate sexual energy, improve orgasm, equilibrium the cycle, excite key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, and stop uterine prolapse, boost control of the whole perineum and bladder, and grow and very clear chi pathways within the body.”
6. “The daily diet, in the treatment of the distemper, ought to be sterile, composed of broths, boiled using shavings of hawthorn, comfrey, rescue of blossoms, gum arabic, nutmeg, mace, cinnamon, and other strengthening ingredients.”
7. “Menstruation is also toxicity exiting the body.”
8. “The conjunction of Mars and Jupiter causes great pestilence in the air.”
9. “Pennyroyal taken with honey cleanses the lungs and clears the breast from all gross and thick humours.”
10. “Two glasses of alkalised water with apple cider vinegar, and then a smoothie of blended alkalised water, natural spirulina, triggered almonds, maca, blueberries, stevia, coconut kefir and 2 natural, free-range eggs.”
(ANSWERS: 1. Miliany from RawVeganLiving blog; two. John Gerard, 1597; 3. Nicholas Culpeper, 1652; 4. Debbie from RawToLife blog; 5. Celebrity Shiva Rose through GOOP; 6. Nicholas Culpeper, 1652; 7. Freelee The Banana Girl; 8. University of Paris report to the Black Death, 1348; 9. John Gerard, 1597; 10. Pete Evans.)